【藝述心言】十年一夢 / 廖家宜（肥娃）【Intimate Portrait】Tenacious / Liu Ka-yee (Miss FAT)

（2018年12月）「JCCAC好夢幻啊！」甫開始訪問，肥娃就給她與JCCAC的這10年下了總結。當別人慨嘆十年如一日，肥娃卻覺得十年如一夢──充滿高低起伏的夢。肥娃的藝術才華很早就展露光芒，由早年於香港中學會考視覺藝術科考獲甲級成績，後至香港藝術學院攻讀藝術及進駐JCCAC，成為當年最年輕的駐村藝術家，肥娃從沒有停下腳步，即使經歷思覺失調或驚恐症，頑強的她還是一一克服並繼續挑戰自己。

離開JCCAC L8-13的工作室，搬至現址L6-27室，肥娃的「包袱」也許變多了，眼光卻也變遠了，但不變的是她與JCCAC藝術家們的感情。她的10年，就如JCCAC一樣多姿多采；她的生活，亦與石硤尾社區緊緊相扣。

J：JCCAC

L：廖家宜（肥娃）

肥娃與藝術的愛與恨

J：可以告訴我們「肥娃」這個名字／創作形象的由來嗎？她代表着甚麼？

L：肥娃是我的寫照。還記得中四時候的男朋友當眾取笑我很肥，說要付錢給我去減肥。那個年代正是減肥熱潮的開始，纖體廣告大行其道。雖然他只是說笑，但對我的打擊很大，自我責備是否做錯了甚麼，才導致給人奚落。感情問題加上學業壓力令我患上思覺失調。後來，想到以肥娃來表達自己的想法，用「自身」訴說自己的經歷，對抗傳統對於女性的既有觀念。當社會上的一些價值觀或定義，令你覺得不適合、不舒服的時候，你就要為自己發聲，尋找適合自己的路及方式活下去。肥娃就是這樣的一種存在。繪畫肥娃也幫我釐清人生方向與內在的思想。

J：思覺失調給你帶來怎樣的影響？藝術又如何帶你走出陰霾？

L：患上思覺失調像「撞鬼」，病發時動彈不得，會發冷、害怕，出現幻聽（如嘈吵的「環迴立體聲」）及幻覺（如三隻腳、大頭的影像）。那時候還小，不敢告訴別人，怕大家會覺得我是神經病。之後透過繪畫，我把這些夜晚看見的影像及聲音畫下來，然後混入一堆預備丟棄的報紙内，不讓父母看見。現在回看，這其實就是我的藝術「自療」：把腦内不實在、不清晰、不能控制的不安與恐懼畫在紙上，親手製造他們，實體化並掌握他們，再把他們毀滅的過程。這是藝術幫了我的地方，打後的10年亦一直用藝術抒發我的生活感受。但我和藝術的關係可説是又愛又恨，因創作的時候多半是獨處，強烈的孤獨感是觸發情緒病重要的一環。藝術也給了我很大的壓力，尤其當它變成工作，會牽涉到其他人，我就會很緊張和謹慎。

J：你為何會願意分享患上思覺失調的經歷？

L：除了想讓大家知道我是如何透過藝術幫助自己之外，每一次當分享會或講座完成後，我好像又再一次克服了我的情緒病。就算100個人只得一個産生共鳴，那已經很好，種子已經播下。

來回地獄又折返人間

J：《「天堂‧人間‧地獄」十年夢遊園》是你這10年的心路歷程嗎？可以帶我們走一趟這夢遊園嗎？

L：這幅畫記錄了我在過去10年間具意義的作品及各個重要時刻。由一開始的「天堂」──那時比較自在、簡單及純粹，並創作了《海娃》； 去到「人間」——LED火龍及花車巡遊、參加渣打藝趣嘉年華、手錶設計、版畫製作、土瓜灣牛棚藝術村的社區保育項目、雨傘運動及艾未未等議題的創作、「與萬物對話」和「勞力是…」展覧等，並經歷了很多掙扎，接近崩潰；再到「地獄」——今年年初迎來驚恐症。於我來看，這10年是不斷從天堂到地獄再回人間的循環。一路走來好像在行鋼線，始終藝術家是自由工作者，生活不穩定，身邊人的眼光更是額外的壓力，現在再看這幅畫也覺得累。

JCCAC大家庭

J：請與我們分享在JCCAC這10年的點滴，有沒有哪些事情特別深刻？

L：這10年來在JCCAC的最大得着是認識到一班藝術家朋友。當初我大學還未畢業，他們當我是小朋友般愛錫、照顧，一直到現在。他們知道我的情緒問題之後，更成立了一個「運動會」，常約我去跑步、游水、打羽毛球及做瑜珈等。

我叫這裡「JCCAC Crazy Family」，因為這裡就像另一個家，大家都對我好。記得有次我割傷手流了點血，可能一時受驚便暈了過去，向後跌的時候幸好有辦事處的工作人員一手接住和送入院，我才免受傷。另有一晚我在工作室忙到深夜，上洗手間時聽到怪聲和見到異樣受到驚嚇，連忙打電話給當天也各自在「開夜車」的兩位藝術家朋友，她們立刻衝上來向我伸出援手並叫了保安。而今年在我生日那天，有一位玻璃藝術家送了我一份富心思的神秘禮物，原來是親手製作的琉璃項鍊，還說是集結了強大的宇宙能量來保護我呢！這些點滴，都讓我感受到JCCAC裡的人情味和守望相助精神。

而且這裡有幾位更是我的良師；在學時期，鄧凝姿（L5-05鄧氏工作室）和謝明莊（L2-10光影作坊）分別是我的繪畫和攝影老師，而翁秀梅（L8-06 香港版畫工作室有限公司）則啓發了我創作版畫。

J：石硤尾在你眼中是一個怎樣的地方？

L：一開始我對這社區不太熟悉，但日子久了便開始關心其狀況，創作上亦多了關於社區的部分。石硤尾及深水埗區對我們而言是多麼的方便：創作用的材料應有盡有、價廉物美，所以我結婚後還搬到石硤尾居住呢！

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(2018 December) “JCCAC is a dreamy place!” Miss FAT summed up her decade-long relationship with JCCAC right from the get-go. When others lament the banality of their lives, Miss FAT found hers more like an exciting dream filled with ups and downs. Miss FAT’s talent was apparent from an early age. After obtaining top grade in Visual Arts at the Hong Kong Certificate of Education Examination, she furthered her studies at Hong Kong Art School and later set up her studio at JCCAC as one of the youngest artists then. Her tenacity saw her through all kinds of challenges, including a personal one as sufferer of schizophrenia and panic disorder.

Relocating from her old studio at L8-13 to the current one at L6-27, Miss FAT’s shoulders might have gotten heavier and her vision widened in the process, but what remained a constant was her close relationship with fellow resident artists. Her 10 years at JCCAC has been a rich artistic experience, lived out in close connection with the Shek Kip Mei community.

J: JCCAC

L：Liu Ka-yee (Miss FAT)

Miss FAT - In love and hate with the arts

J: Can you tell us more about Miss FAT – how did the name and concept come about? What does she represent?

L: Miss FAT is a self-caricature. When I was in secondary school, my boyfriend publicly fat-shamed me. Advertisements for weight loss programmes were viral. He jokingly offered to sponsor me to go on one and it had a devastating effect on my fragile teenage confidence. I got sucked into self-blamed for inviting such ridicule. Relationship problems adding to academic pressure took a toll on my mental wellbeing and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I created Miss FAT during this time as a therapeutic tool, achieved through telling my story and defying against stereotypes and sexism. I believe that when one feels misrepresented by certain social norms and values, one has a responsibility to speak up against them and to carry on living in a way which suits you. That is how I interpret Miss FAT’s existence. Drawing Miss FAT helps me to achieve clarity in my thoughts and direction. .

J:  How has schizophrenia affected you? How did creative arts help liberate you from it?

L:  Schizophrenia episodes were like experiencing the paranormal. I would become paralysed with chills and fears, suffer auditory hallucination (like stereophonic cacophony) and visual hallucination (sometimes seeing three-legged monsters with large scary heads). I was young and did not have the courage to tell others, worried that I would be labelled as a lunatic. I started drawing my nightmarish hallucinations as an outlet for my sufferings, but was careful in disposing them to avoid alarming my parents about my predicament. Looking back, I have tailor made my own art therapy – by giving tangible visual form to the illusory, impenetrable and frantic anxiety and fear in my head, I was empowered to destroy them. Arts helped me through those difficult days and since then, my urge to express my thoughts and feelings creatively was unstoppable. But it was also a love-hate relationship with art, as creative work is mostly done in solitude and unfortunately loneliness is an easy trigger of mental health issues. I also feel overwhelmed with pressure and anxiety when art becomes work and other people are unavoidably involved.

J: Why are you willing to share your experience of mental health issues?

L: Apart from a desire to help others, every time I share my experience of self-help through art, I feel strengthened and it was like beating this disorder once again. Even if only one out of a hundred people who heard my story found resonance, I am happy about that single seed which has been sown.

Being in hell and back

J: Would you say that Heaven, Earth, Hell – A Decade in the Dreamland represents your spiritual journey in the past decade? Could you guide us through the dreamland?

L: This piece marks important moments I experienced during the past decade and is a collage of all the creative works that have personal meaning to me. It starts with “Heaven”, which was from a simpler and hassle-free time in the beginning when I created The Goddess of Ocean. “Earth” marked a phase when I took up a series of challenging projects including the LED Fire Dragon and Float Parade, Standard Chartered Arts in the Park, watch design, lithography experimentation, community conservation at the Cattle Depot Artist Village, being involved in the Umbrella Movement and Ai Weiwei controversies, and participating in exhibitions like “Conversations of Life” and “Poverty. Full-time”, to name a few. During this time, I went through many struggles which brought me close to a nervous breakdown. Then came “Hell”, when earlier this year I battled with panic attacks. In some sense, I feel that I was in a constant cycle being in heaven, hell and back during the past 10 years. Making a living as a freelancer is like walking on a tightrope, as it is a life fraught with instability and peer pressure. Actually, looking at this work again makes me feel exhausted.

JCCAC big family

J: Please share some stories during your decade at JCCAC. Any particularly fond and unforgettable memories?

L: My greatest joy is the friendship I have forged with fellow resident artists over the past 10 years. Just a student when I first set up my studio at JCCAC, I was very young and they really looked after me. I still feel pampered now. Like being aware of my mental health issues, they have set up a “Sports Group” and often invite me to join in their running, swimming, badminton games and yoga sessions.

I call this the “JCCAC Crazy Family” and it is like a second home to me. Like the time I freaked out and fainted at the sight of blood when I accidentally cut my hand. I was spared injury, as luckily a Management Office staff manged to catch me before my head hit the floor and later helped send me to the hospital. Another time I was spooked by strange noise and apparition while visiting the toilet late at night; I called two of my friends also working late in their studios that night, who immediately rushed to my rescue bringing security staff. And on my birthday this year, I even received a thoughtful gift from one of the glass artists – it was a glass pendant he made that “encapsulates powerful galactic energy” to protect me. All these incidents remind me of the friendship and sense of comradery at JCCAC.

Actually, some of the resident artists are not just my friends but my artistic mentors as well. During my study, Stella Tang (L5-05 TANG's Studio) and Tse Ming-chong (L2-10 Lumenvisum) were my painting and photography teachers respectively, while Yung Sau-mui (L8-06 Hong Kong Open Printshop) inspired me to attempt lithography.   

J: How do you see Shek Kip Mei as a neighbourhood?

L: I used to be unfamiliar with this neighbourhood, but have since grown to like it and developed a sense of connection, which spills into elements of my creative work. I can tell you that the Shek Kip Mei and Sham Shui Po areas are fantastically convenient for artists, with an abundance of quality and affordable art material suppliers. I have even chosen to move to Shek Kip Mei after getting married!

Please click here to download JCCAC PROGRAMMES (2018 Dec issue)

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